so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
