That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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