I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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