Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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