Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
