she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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