those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
