They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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