apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
