god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
