i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
