I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
