my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
