I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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