You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
