come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
