I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
