I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
