Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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