Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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