uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
