I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
