Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
