11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
