i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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