so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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