I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
