Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
