fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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