Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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