Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
