The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
