how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
