Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
