nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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