Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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