you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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