Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
