I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
