It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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