3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
