I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
