To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
