Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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