Whod you bang
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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