My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
