The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
