We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
