I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
