She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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