Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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