If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
